Leaving Room

There is so much uncertainty.

Which is ironic because just a few months ago I was reeling with the uncertainty of our general future — two or three roads were open before us and we didn’t know which way to go. When we finally decided international adoption was the right path there was an invigorating and energizing certainty.

For a minute.

Now, the idea of having only three uncertain futures before us seems like a cakewalk.

Which only serves to illustrate a lesson I should know by know: God will lead you down the right path, in His time, but it doesn’t necessarily mean it will be easier than standing at the fork waiting for instruction. In fact, it will almost certainly be harder.

Finances are a huge uncertainty. Where will the money come from? When will it come? What if it doesn’t come? What is the plan for finding it? What are plans B, C, and D for finding it? How do we know that Plan A is better than Plan B? What’s the contingency plan for when we don’t find it?

Timing is a massive uncertainty. Agency websites like to say 12 to 18 months. Some say 18 to 24 months. Some happen faster. Some take much longer. It depends on the country. It depends on the governments. It depends on the weather. It depends on the family. It depends on the medical conditions we can accept.

Let’s talk about medical conditions. There’s a five-page list (in two columns) of possible medical conditions. But things can also be misdiagnosed — for better or worse. Conditions can be missed completely. Developmental conditions could be long-term or short-term, depending on the child, the orphanage, the family …

Even the paperwork is really just a well-organized pile of uncertainty. We have all the right forms, but that doesn’t guarantee our home study will be approved. We can send all the right paperwork to China, but that doesn’t mean they’ll accept our application. We can submit all the right pages to the adoption program, but we have no idea if and/or when we might match a child available for adoption.

And, of course, the easy answer to is to keep our faith in God and his leading and his provision, and not worry about it, but the system kind of makes you worry about it. There’s no getting away from it.

We’ve filled out so many forms and signed so many pages acknowledging that we understand there are all of these inherent uncertainties and promising not to hold anyone else responsible for them. We’ve had so many conversations that seem to center around the phrase, “you just never know.”

And the invoices keep coming.

But the hope that anchors my soul in a perfect storm of uncertainty is something that came out of me one night — unplanned and unexpectedly — during a conversation about some of it.

I’m still not sure where it came from. It was not a premeditated concept; it actually caught me kind of off-guard. The reader may determine the level of divine inspiration that best suits him/her.

Husband and I were discussing some of the uncertainties, and as the questions piled up, with no answers rushing to their aid, I gave up altogether and more or less sighed, “I’m leaving room for God to do a miracle.”

And honestly, all the questions retreated to their strongholds.

Because the only way this is happening is if God does a miracle — a series of them, probably. He led us into this storm, so of course he will see us through it. I’m sure he will use people and natural processes for some, because he is gracious and humble like that. And for others, he will totally confound our logic and wisdom, because he is gracious and awesome like that.

And I’m looking forward to all of it.

Which means I have to leave room for it.

Because he can’t calm the sea if there is no storm.

I’m not looking forward to the storm. I hate the storm. I hate the uncertainty. But — while I still have a long way to go — I’ve survived enough storms, so far, to know that it’s worth it in the end just to be there when he gives the command, “Peace, be still.“