Toddler Thought Translator

Have you ever listened to a toddler babble and thought, “I wonder what he’s thinking … ” “I wonder what she’s trying to say …”?

The wait is over. Toddlers are a lot like monkeys, right?

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So naturally this would work.

It went something like this:

Bang. Bang. Drum. Drum. Loud. Bang.

Mama: “Okay, baby, it’s time to go. Can you put your coat on?”

Coat? What’s a … ? What’s that? Why are you coming at me like that? Hey! Put my arm in where? DOWN THAT DARK HOLE?! I don’t THINK so! My arm is just fine! Wait! What are you – ?! HAAAAAAALP! 

IT’S A STRAIGHT JACKET, ISN’T IT?! You’re going to tie me up in this thing aren’t you?! I’M SORRY ABOUT THE TOILET PAPER, OKAY?! DON’T YOU THINK YOU’RE OVER-REACTING?! No! No! No! I can’t believe you’re sending me AWAY! You probably already ordered the LOBOTOMY, didn’t you?! HAAAAAAALP! They’re going to lock me in a small room with no toys and no friends, but I’M! NOT! GOING!

Stopdropandroll! Stopdropandroll! PUT OUT THE FIRE OF INJUSTICE THAT IS CONSUMING MY ARMS!

No zippers! I can still shake it off when she’s not looking as long as she doesn’t! Get! The! Zipper! Just keep thrashing! JUST KEEP THRASHING! Okay the zipper, but not the snap! Not the –

Hold on …

I can still move my arms. This is actually kind of cozy. Oh, this is my COAT. See, you said “Coat” and I thought “Jacket” and then I remembered your disapproval when I tried to play in my poo earlier, and I just thought … No, this quite nice, actually. We’re good.

And later that afternoon …

Ball. Ball. Kick. Ball. Kick.

Mama: “Baby, it’s time for a diaper change. C’mon.”

Diaper change? MY diaper? Now?! Wha – No! What are you – ! NOOOOOO!!! I can’t believe this is happening! I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING! Seeley WARNED me about this! STOOOOOPPPPP!

Oh! This is the part where she pulls out my toenails and then amputates my legs with them! Well not THIS toddler! You! Won’t! Get! Me! To! Lay still! While you! Flay! Me!

I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME! Oh! They said you’d say that! Deathroll! Deathroll! It’s NOT going to be okay! NO IT’S NOT! Ty has a friend whose cousin went for a diaper change and never came back and I BELIEVE it! Oh you’re HOG-TYING me now?! Is that to make it easier to bite off my TOES?!

IT BURNS! THE FEAR, IT BURNS! Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

What is that?! Why do you need that huge pad?! IS THAT TO CLEAN UP ALL THE BLOOD?! Why are you wrapping it … ?! What are you … ?

Oh.

No.

That’s my diaper. Oh it’s all dry and light. That’s kind of nice, actually. Okay. My bad.

And that evening …

Milk. Mama, look, I’m doing the sign thing. Milk. Here, I even brought the blanket.

Mama: “Good signing, baby! Okay, but it’s about bedtime anyway, so let’s get ready for bed quickly ’cause you’re probably going to fall asleep.”

No, but I did the sign thing. That means you’re supposed to … Where are we going? I don’t want the bathroom! I want the –

Oooh. I want all THOSE things!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, “NO”?! Oh, the toothbrush?! Come ON. Don’t stick that thing in my mmmmmmmmmm … I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE AFT-MMMMMMMMM! You’re trying to knock out the teeth I worked so hard fo-mmmmmmmmmm! STOP! NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Oooh, water? I’d love a drink of water, sure. Second? Yes please. Okay. Here we go.

Wait, I know this shifting … Why are you … NOT THE CHANGING TABLE AGAIN! HOW MANY TIMES TO I HAVE TO FIGHT FOR MY APPENDAGES IN A DAY?! Not this time! NOT THIS TIME! I can roll onto my belly all night, lady! YOU WILL NEVER DISMEMBER ME!

Roll! Kick! Roll! Kick! AAAAAAAAAHHHHH! TINY FEET OF FURYYY!

It went something like that anyway. It’s hard to wrestle a half-naked toddler and transcribe his lunatic rantings at the same time, so I may have missed something here or there. But I’m pretty sure that’s what’s going on in his head.

Now you know.