3 Ways Toddlers Are Like Terrorists

Some of you are smiling already. You know it’s true.

1 – They create sleeper cells.

The move in quietly.

Okay, “quietly” is a poor choice of word.

They move in casually. Like nothing’s going on. Like it’s no big deal. They pretend everything’s cool – just here to hang out, be one of you guys, join the PTA. All friendly. All like, “Ya, we’re gonna have so much fun together.”

‘Cause hindsight is not always 20-20. You see all those neighbors and classmates on the news, and what do they say?

He seemed like such a nice, normal guy. A little quiet maybe, but not dangerous. I talked to him in class now and then, and he was always nice. We carpooled sometimes, and I just never would have thought …

Sound familiar?

He’s so small and cute. I mean, he poops in his own pants, sure, but he never seemed dangerous. He mostly just cooed and stared, and even when he yelled it wasn’t that bad. I might have encouraged the crawling, and then the walking, but I never would have thought …

They move in all stealthy-like.

2 – They tend to over-react

They don’t like the government, the system, their neighbor’s religion, a political system half-way across the world and suddenly things are exploding. And I don’t mean diapers. 

It’s kind of that like that time he wasn’t allowed to play with an iPhone. Things exploded. (And I don’t mean buildings.)

And the rest of us have to suffer for it. Some of us get mad and yell, even though that tends to just make things worse. Some of us eat chocolate and cry, and there’s no shame in that because sometimes it’s all you can do to keep from exploding yourself (and I don’t mean with a special vest) because there’s so much going on right now and the last thing you need is some unpredictable crazy person going off the deep end about something that’s really not that big of a deal and can be handled much better if we could all just communicate properly.

Some of us furrow our whole faces and start to muse about what is really going on. We hold seminars and write books that other people, because of their stations in life, feel obligated to attend and read, even though all they’re going to get out of it is extra paranoia. Those poor suckers will try to apply the philosophies and principles they learned about peace and culture and ulterior motivations for close to a year before they realize that it’s impossible to be an expert on crazy, and get on with their lives.

3 – Their silence is terrifying.

As ridiculous as their reactions can sometimes be, at least the temper tantrums keep them on the radar. The silence before the storm starts to get deafening when a bus hasn’t exploded for a few months, or you suddenly look up from the computer or the stove and realize there hasn’t been a bang or a splash for a few minutes (seconds).

Just like quiet streets would be enough to keep me in my home, a quiet home is enough to send me whirling through the house.

They do it on purpose, to keep you on edge. They know that when you’re nervous, you’re easier to scare, and when you’re scared, you’re easier to control. They space it out deliberately. They wait until you’re just starting to settle in, just starting to think that things might be better, that peace might be happening, that the toilet is finally safe, and then they strike.

They know.

Anyone else with a tiny terrorist under your roof? What did I miss? Any other similarities?